For people with low emotional intelligence, reality is a choice, and it is chosen on the basis of how it makes them feel.If the reality they are presented with makes them feel good, they will not only accept it, they will lap it up and beg for more.
"You're telling me that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, good at my job... Tell me more!"
But! If the reality that you present them makes them feel bad, they will hit you with one, or a combination of The 4 Ds: Defend, Deflect, Distort, Deny.
"You're telling me that the way I spoke to you made you feel bad? Or the way I treated you was disrespectful?... That makes me feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, etc. and I don't like that. Let me tell you how you're wrong, or my actions weren't that bad, or they were your fault, or it actually didn't happen at all, if you ask me."
If we contrast this with a healthy response, the person who has a healthy, or higher, emotional intelligence may not like what you have to say (the reality you present them with), but they will accept it, listen to it, and respond to it with accountability and curiosity.
"I'm sorry it came across that way; it wasn't my intention. I'll be mindful of that in the future."
This is an approach that will justify or minimise their actions."It was just a joke.""I didn't mean it like that.""You're always so sensitive."
This one will deflect the attention from them onto you or something/someone else. One way of achieving this is with the Victim Flip, also termed as 'Tactical Empathy Abuse', which is the hijacking of the other person's good nature and empathy in an effort to avoid accountability. "The only reason I did that was because...""If you hadn't done X, then I wouldn't have done Y.""I can't believe you're blaming me after everything I've done for you."
This one involves little micro pivots to the presented reality that result in your initial concern no longer being relevant or true. They will make a subtle change to the reality which will shift things in such a minor way that your initial concern is no longer relevant to the conversation. This will result in you spending time chasing clarity and attempting to bring the conversation back to 'the' reality as opposed to the 'version' of reality that they are comfortable with. Where you are chasing 'the' reality, they will be fabricating versions of reality that help them to avoid accountability and feel comfortable, and in control. The hope is to make you feel crazy, or give up because "What's the point?"
If all else fails, deny, deny, deny! Distortions and Denials in these circumstances are very reminiscent of gaslighting behaviours. If I can make you doubt your reality, you will use your energy trying to chase the reality you believe in and exhaust yourself in the process, which means that I eventually 'get away with' the denials and distortions. "That never happened." "You're making things up again."
I refer to these strategies as being "slippery in conflict". You can never make any traction with these situations because in order to reach an outcome there first needs to be agreement and alignment on the reality that you're discussing. If one of you is completely committed to avoiding accountability and re-writing reality, how will this ever be possible? Short answer, it's not!
A great question that you can ask yourself when you suspect that these strategies are in play is:
"Is this person committed to a story that is protecting their dysfunctional behaviour?"
If the answer to this question is "yes", then you need to protect your peace and disengage from the conversation. If you are reflecting on your own behaviour, and asking if you may be engaging in any of these strategies, you can ask yourself this question:
"Am I lying to myself about anything?"
Remember here that lies can be active and passive. You may be actively lying to yourself by engaging in the 4 Ds, or you may be passively lying to yourself by choosing to ignore certain details, or not being willing to search your blindspots.
~ Until next time. Be Kind. Be well.Amylia