Relationships

Conflict is unavoidable. How you manage the conflict can be the difference between your relationship going the distance or heading for separation.When managed well, conflict is healthy, functional, and natural and allows for opportunities to grow within your relationship. Learning to manage even the unsolvable issues in a respectful manner will assist you in paving the road to relationship that can last a [happy] lifetime.

John Gottman has identified four unhealthy communication approaches that people tend to default to when addressing conflict. Identifying each of them within yourself and making a conscious effort to choose the healthy alternative is a wonderful way to engage in personal development and show your partner that you respect them, even when you may find it difficult to like them.

Horseman 1: Criticism

The difference between attacking your partner and teaching them. This means that it is also thedifference between solving one issue and creating a new one. Criticisms typically come in the form ofa ‘You’ statement, and sound like you are blaming someone for something.Consider the difference between the following statements:1. “You never put your socks in the basket! You only ever think about yourself!”2. “It really frustrates me when you leave your socks on the floor. Could you please put them inthe basket?”Option 1 is accusing your partner of being selfish, and is likely to result in your partner defendingthemselvesOption 2 is raising an issue and proposing a solution, inviting them to learn more about the things thatare important to you, and welcoming them to work with you to make things better.This strategy helps to minimise the number, and intensity, of your arguments.

Horseman 2: Contempt

The greatest predictor or separation and divorce! If ever there were a horseman to try and completely remove from your relationship; this is it. Realistically, it is unlikely that you will stop all signs of contempt – we are human after all – but this horseman is rude and unnecessary. Contempt seeks to emotionally destroy and belittle your partner, while placing yourself on a pedestal of superiority.Sarcasm: a sharp, biting, or cutting remarkSneering: a facial expression of disgust Mockery: to insult, or make light of something important to another Eye rolling Cynicism: an attitude of distrust in a person or their motives Hostile humour: to be aggressive, angry, or unfriendlyThese behaviours are unfortunately common, and there is very little thought for the impact theseseemingly small behaviours can have on the people they are directed towards. You likely didn’t get into a relationship with your partner so that you can offend or hurt them, and yet with every sneer, sarcastic comment, and eye roll that is exactly what you are doing. To solve this, use the 5:1 Magic Ratio – 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative. It could be a compliment, verbal recognition of an accomplishment or task, offering to help with something, or giving them a gift, but make it something you know they will appreciate [HINT: the 5 love language can be a really helpful resource here]. This way your relationship rule is respect, and the exception to the rule is contempt rather than the other way around. In these cases, you will more likely to ask ifthey are okay when the contempt occurs but it is out of character and may be a sign that somethingis wrong.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically, but not always, a response to criticism; when you feel attacked your instinct is to protect yourself. This approach not only dismisses the issue that was raised in the first place, but creates another problem in its wake.

Becoming defensive is a sign that you are not taking accountability; you are blaming someone, or something, else. Because your partner isn’t feeling heard AND they now feel attacked, [you guessed it] they are more likely to become defensive, and so the merry-go-round of conflict continues.

Consider the difference: 

Option 1: “It’s not my fault your feelings got hurt. You’re too sensitive.”

Option 2: “I’m sorry I raised my voice, I know you don’t like it when I yell. Let me try again.”

The responsibility here falls on both parties: 

Spouse 1 to raise a complaint rather than a criticism, and Spouse 2 to accept responsibility for the part they played, and respond with respect. 

It is important to note that defensiveness usually occurs for a reason. When responding with kindness you are not condoning the poor communication or behaviour of the other person, you are taking responsibility for your own actions. [NOTE: reflective listening exercises are really helpful here]

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

When all else fails, run away! Stonewalling is what happens when we check out of conflict. This response is based in the fight and flight response, and it can look a number of different ways: 

Physically 

You walk into the other room in the middle of the argument, or you get in the car and leave.

Emotionally

You stop engaging in the conversation, by nodding and ‘yessing’ or not responding at all.

These responses happen when you can’t take anymore; you are physically and emotionally exhausted, you’re angry, you’re not getting anywhere, and you need a break. Your body is on edge [increased heart rate, raised voice, tensed muscles, sick feeling in your stomach] and you want to protect yourself. You don’t want to attack your partner [good on you], but you know that if you stay any longer that’s exactly what will happen; so you leave in whichever way you can [physically or emotionally]. 

As much as you may be stonewalling to protect your partner, it is highly unlikely they will see it the same way, so they will try and push you to keep going. Instead of pushing yourself to breaking point it is important for a number of reasons to take a break. 

1. You are listening to your body, which is always a good thing, and it will allow you to continue the conversation with a clear mind later on
2. You give the relationship a great opportunity to build trust, which is incredibly important for the relationship.To take a break in the middle of an argument you should do two things:
   1. Let your partner know how you will be responding when things are calm, “If I feel overwhelmed, I’m going to ask for a moment so that I can collect myself.” Both of you must agree to uphold the terms of the ‘moment’ otherwise it will not work.
   2. For maximum effect ask for the break BEFORE things escalate too far. Once you’ve ‘flipped your lid’ you should still ask for the break, but you will not have as much control over how you ask for it, so it may come across as one of the other horsemen [critical or contemptuous]. Asking early on ensures greater odds of maintaining respect. Once you’ve called for your ‘pause’ take at least 20-30 minutes to do something soothing; this is the time it takes for your body to reset.

The Do’s and Don’ts of the ‘pause’: 

DO… 

1. Read a book
2. Have a cup of tea
3. Yoga
4. Breathe

DON’T…

1. Stew over the argument
2. Think about how you are better than they are
3. Play the victim

This is where the trust exercise comes in: you trust that your partner will give you the space you need, and your partner trusts you to come back and work towards a resolution. After you have taken your moment, come together again, be mindful of the 4 Horsemen, and work together as a team in pursuit of a solution.

Tips:

1. Take some time to identify which of the Horsemen you are most likely to use in an argument
2. When you are in conflict with your partner, pull yourself up when you use them, “I’m sorry, that was very critical of me. Let me try again.” – your partner will appreciate the effort, and you get the benefit of not only becoming more self-aware, but knowing that you are taking steps to show your partner how much they mean to you. 
3. Put yourself in their shoes. You may not agree with their perspective but that doesn’t make it wrong. Your partner’s feelings are just as important as yours, but their experience of the world may mean that they feel differently, or have a different opinion, than you do about the same situation.
4. Seek understanding. When in doubt, ask a question. If you don’t understand why your partner is sensitive about a particular topic, ask them if they can help you to understand.

~ Be Kind. Be Well. Until next time, Amylia

The Weekly Check In allows couples to address the big issues in their relationship in a controlled and emotionally neutral environment.

The Rules

Revisit the rules at the beginning of each meeting to keep them fresh in your mind.

1. Message, delivery, and interpretation

1. The message is what we want them to know
2. The delivery is how you tell them
3. The interpretation is how they receive it

2. Remember the 4 Horsemen

1. Criticism – attacking the person (You always… You never… All you ever think about…)
2. Defensiveness – defending the attack (If you hadn’t done… Then I wouldn’t have… The only reason Idid that is because… I didn’t mean it like that…)
3. Contempt – mocking, sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling, dismissive comments Ugh… Whatever
4. Stonewalling – checking out physically (storming out of the room) or mentally (smiling and nodding)

3. Active listening 

Your partner won’t always get the delivery right, so be patient with them and notice the effort. Listen for the message: What is your partner trying to tell you?

4. The Magic Ratio

20:1 – 20 pleasant interactions for every 1 unpleasant interaction

5. Look for the Win/Win 

Just because your opinion is valid doesn’t mean that your partners isn’t.

The Chat

Set aside the same time each week for your check in. This creates consistency and helps to rebuild anew habit. It also means that you can put it in your diary so that it remains a priority.

1. Set the scene – tea, coffee, brunch, etc. (NO ALCOHOL!)

2. Revisit the rules

3. Choose who will go first – you can alternate from week-to-week or keep it consistent.

4. The roles you play

1. The Speaker – Focus on your delivery; how are you communicating your message? I feel… I need… If your partner is struggling to understand or misunderstands remain calm and try again. Remember they are trying their best and that this is a skill that will take time to master.
2. The Listener – Suspend your agenda (your turn will come). This is not about defending your actions itis about trying to understand how your partner is feeling. You don’t have to agree in order tounderstand. It sounds like you feel… when I… Is that right?

5. Be mindful of how you are communicating and pull yourself up if you find yourself engaging in one of The Horsemen. Try not to pull your partner up on it (we are looking for increased accountability and ownership of our own actions, not criticism of theirs), however in cases where it feels like it’s snowballing it may be helpful to flag your concerns or request a time out.

6. If there are topics that you are having difficulties resolving write them down and bring them to your next session.

7. Finally, take some time to appreciate the things that went well over the week – While it is important to address that areas that require improvement, it is equally important to acknowledge the effort and successes. Remember that it may be a subtle improvement, but steps in the right direction are more likely to continue when they are noticed.

~ Be Kind. Be Well. Until next time, Amylia

Speaking with clients, one of the more common topics that arise involve interpersonal matters - I could write a series on these issues alone!

The tricky thing about interpersonal matters within families and long-term relationships is that there are patterns of behaviours that have repeated ad nauseam over the course of the relationship; for better and worse.

"For better" helps families to stay connected and relationships to thrive, but "for worse" tends to cast shadows and push people apart. Being part of the family unit means that you are so close to the situation it can be hard to see the forest for the trees. In this case, which patterns are healthy repetitions and which are unhealthy, but are repeating out of habit? 

To get a general idea what you're dealing with, ask yourself a simple question:

"But for ________, would the outcome remain the same?"

Another way of wording it is, "If I take _____ away, would the result be the same?" The blank space can be filled by any number of things:

1. My reassurance
2. My patience
3. My attention to detail
4. My willingness to take the blame
5. My willingness to put my needs on hold
6. My willingness to keep the peace
7. My effort
8. My ability to control my emotions

A case study

For example, imagine a family scenario where the mother has a history of disproportionate emotional responses to minor situations, and responsibility for her behaviours is consistently allocated to her children (who are now adults with their own kids). 

The family gets together for a catch up on the weekend and the mother is faced with a statement that triggers an emotional response, albeit a subtle one, i.e. "What do you mean she's not comfortable sitting on my lap? She's my grandchild!". The adult child's automatic response is to offer reassurance, validation, and emotional support.

What's going on?

On the surface, this may come across as a perfectly respectable response -When someone we care about feels attacked, we offer emotional support- and one that the adult child doesn't even second-guess, because it is the norm and has been since she was a child. 

In session, however, I sense that there may be something deeper, and we want to identify whether this interaction is a healthy one, or one born of the survival instincts established in childhood to cope with being held accountable for her mother's lack of emotional regulation. 

So, I pose this question to her:

"But for you stepping in and offering your mother reassurance and emotional support... would the outcome have remained positive?"

Together, we explore the possible options:

• Yes, things would be fine - The same interaction occurred, Mum still had the same response, I DID NOT step in to offer reassurance, the outcome remained positive, and we would go on to have a great family day. Healthy/independent/ILOC
• No, something bad would have happened - Same interaction and response, I still haven't stepped in for reassurance, however Mum's behaviour would escalate, she would get defensive, and she would blame me for poisoning her grandchild against her and accuse me of suggesting that she is a bad parent. Unhealthy/co-dependant/ELOC

What does this mean?

If the outcome is positive with or without your interjection, you're looking at a healthy interaction, and there's no additional motive behind the offering of comfort and reassurance.

If the outcome would likely become negative or hostile, it's a good indication that the offering of emotional support is more than likely serving a deeper purpose. 

Generally speaking it suggests that you've been in this type of situation before, and without realising it you have analysed the circumstances in depth in a fraction of a moment.

At the same time there are two separate streams of thought that are considering all of the things that you want to say, that are factually true, all the while simultaneously filtering and editing the information in such a way that will allow you to address the situation without making things worse. 

1. "If I don't say anything, Mum is going to get upset with my sister, and accuse her of putting a wedge between her relationship with her grandchild. 
2. My sister will then try to explain otherwise, resulting in Mum getting defensive and bringing up the fact that she must think that she was a bad mother when we were growing up and that this is my sister's way of punishing her now.
3. At this stage she will be incredibly upset and impossible to reason with, and my sister will be agitated and angry, Dad will have shut down and retreated, the kids are surrounded by arguments, resulting in the family day turning sour, and everyone feeling uncomfortable
4. Everyone will then look to me to fix things, and I will have to spend the next few hours reassuring her that everything is okay, that she was a great mother, that her grandchild is lucky to have a grandmother like her, and that my sister didn't mean to make her upset."
5. OR! If I step in now, I give Mum the support she is looking for, she doesn't fight with my sister, my sister doesn't get angry and walk away, Dad won't disengage and leave, and I won't be as exhausted afterwards."

In short, "But for my emotional support to Mum during that interaction, the outcome would have devolved into an incredibly negative experience, as has been the case many times before."

Where do we go from here?

Identify patterns with your family members

Figure out why the patterns are continuing? 

What role do you play in the pattern?

What can you do to change it?

- Be kind & stay well. Until next time, Amylia.

Please note: We are not able to see into the future, so this is a 'situational forecast' where we draw from past experiences and use it to inform some probable future scenarios. There are no guarantees, and we are not saying that X will occur, just that it is probable given relevant past experiences with the individual in similar situations.